why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Randomize
