we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
there is glitter all over my balls
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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