Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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