This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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