fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
