I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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