I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
