I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
