We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
We are all done wearing pants today
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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