I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
