I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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