dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Come share oat with me in your robe
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
