also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
