3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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