Grow some girl-balls and come out already
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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