i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
