those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
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