new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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