You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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