When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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