I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
