i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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