Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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