My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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