Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
