I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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