Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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