i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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