the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
