Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
