I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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