The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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