Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
