Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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