You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
