I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
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