I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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