he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
sarcasm needs its own font
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
