I can't watch pbs sober anymore
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
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