you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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