break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Those nachos came to me in a dream
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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