foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
