I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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