I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
