Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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