if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
