I feel great
I just peed on a car
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
