So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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