Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
