Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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