it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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