Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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