I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
